You Can Do It Put Your Heart Into It!
Last week, Brooke and I had gone out to lunch with a few friends. We were celebrating our friend’s beautiful new baby, and I was spontaneously testing out my maternal side (I may or may not have held her child for about an hour). Lunch was about to end, and I noticed this sweet older lady sitting next to us. She was smiling at the baby, while peacefully enjoying her lunch and margarita on the rocks. I knew she hadn’t been there the entire time. Before her was a couple, probably in their late 50s, splitting tacos. (Ok ok, I know it’s odd that I can list so much about them, but this is the way my brain works. I take mental inventory of odd things. I can also tell you what everyone was wearing at our table.)
Anyway, we all got up from lunch, and said our goodbyes, gave tons of long hugs, and took our turn squeezing the baby one last time. I was on an island, quietly wrestling with my own internal dialogue, about the women, and then we all went our separate ways.
We were driving in the car about 15 minutes, when I blurted out “Brooke, I have something to share about myself.”
A bit puzzled, she replied “ok, go ahead.”
"You know, I consider myself a pretty spontaneous person. Like if we are listing things about me, I’d say I’m pretty much a act in the moment kind of girl.”
Brooke looked at me, “I agree.”
And then I started in on myself “Well, you see what I’ve realized is, I’m spontaneous in things of physical nature. Want to go surfing? Sure. Jump in a hotel pool? Absolutely. Run a 50 miler without ever running over a half-marathon? DUH. I’m a #hellyes for all of those physical risks. I don’t even give myself the space to process the word “no,” because it isn’t even an option. However, when it comes to risks of the heart, I might as well wrap myself in bubble-wrap and stay inside, I loooooove to play it so safe.”
By this point, I’m pretty sure that Brooke was extremely confused. So I continued, “Ok, you know the lady sitting next to us at lunch, eating street corn and drinking a margarita? She was by herself. I had the instant thought to buy her lunch. Not as a charity thing, just as a kindness thing. But I got in my head and I didn’t. Or the other day, when I walked by this homeless man who was playing incredible music and singing. I thought, I should bring him into the studio to play. But I got in my head and I didn’t. “
Our conversation continued, “I can list a million instances, where I got in my head and I held back from a true human connection moment. Or I’ve held back a bazillion times from experiencing a moment where someone could see the true me. And I know it’s showing up for me in pursuing my dreams, and my work. I’m annoyed. I’m struggling to name a big heart-filled human risks I’ve taken.” (I’d later realize I have taken some big risks, I was merely caught in my own spiral)
Ever the fan of a good bottom-line, Brooke turned to me and said “You’re aware of it, now fix it.”
After our conversation, I dove a bit further into personal examination, read a little, journaled a lot, and meditated. I had a deep desire to pinpoint the feeling that was coming up in any situation that involved people seeing a piece of my heart. And within moments, I figured it out. The feeling was that sh*t-talking, lying, fear loving, friend of mine, RESISTANCE. She will tell you anything to keep you from doing something that reveals a deeper part of you, or move’s you toward your purpose. On the day of our lunch, she sounded like this “Why would you buy her lunch? (lie) That might embarrass her. (lie) Maybe she ordered $1000 worth of food or drinks for lunch. (double lie) Brooke wouldn’t be on board. (for sure a lie)This will take attention from your group lunch (lie).” Get what I’m saying? Resistance speaks a bunch of crap really loudly, until you completely shift course and lower your frequency.
Then, I was reading the other day, and I stumbled on this quote that hit me like a swift kick in the stomach, “the more important a call to action is to the souls evolution, the more resistance you will fear towards pursuing it.” (The War of Art- Steven Pressfield)
And in an instant, that quote explained it all. It explained why it feels safe, and I’m ok with the world “seeing me” so long as it’s my distractions. Physical things: races, spontaneity, physical risks, etc. If you’re paying attention to the physical, I don’t have to be concerned with you seeing (or looking) for anything else. It also explains why every time I run smack into an opportunity to reveal a piece of me, or shift into my purpose, my saboteur (you know the little voice in your head) is so effing loud!
After I pulled myself out of my spiral, I realized I haven’t gone my entire life falling victim to resistance. Allow me to introduce exhibit A, my Brooke, my wife. That incredibly beautiful, compassionate, wonderful women (hi Brooke) and I wouldn’t be married, if I succumb to the jaws of resistance. You want to talk about resistance, talk about having to shock your parents with a same-sex bi-coastal relationship. Resistance can definitely talk you out of that one. Resistance is a heartless jerk.
So what worked in my relationship? What allowed me to strap on a helmet, drop my shoulder, and go barreling into resistance? TRUST. Trust is the only way to work against resistance. Trust is taking that leap, and knowing that not only is it possible there’s a net to catch you, but you may even have wings that let you fly. Trust is knowing that while you don’t have the complete picture of what’s lying on the other side, it’s something bigger and way more magical than your current situation.
Here’s the cool thing, we all may have wings. I don’t know. What I do know is, most of us can’t even fathom what’s possible for us in life, because resistance puts up one hell of a fight (without us ever knowing it’s fighting). But what if we trust? Just for a moment, we trust that there is a big beautiful life, full of connection, love, and purpose waiting for us on the other side. That’s what i’m leaning into. I have to. Because my purpose (and most people’s) is too big to let an invisible force stand in my way. Even if I don’t have a complete picture of what that purpose it yet.